i love accidental penises.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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