if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I miss vodka workout Fridays
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
