i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
