Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
