The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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