yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
