I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
