someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
