if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Randomize
