I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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