his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
