I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
