Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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