I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
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