You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
everyone is single if you try hard enough
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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