But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
