I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
