I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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