I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
