The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I have post one night stand depression
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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