I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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