hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
