"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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