bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
