I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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