I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
