woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
