i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
