I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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