I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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