wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize