From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
