Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
