The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
