i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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