I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
