Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
