Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
