My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
