Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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