dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
