I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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