you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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