My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I can't turn off my feet"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
