Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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