I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
