Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
