1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
