are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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