I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
