What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
