YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
