My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
We got so high we made milksteak
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
