My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
