you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
